Kids these days, right? When the punks aren't selfie-ing their Kardashians on Facebook, they're trying to put honest street dealers out of business by buying their dope online. So when National Report published the article "Facebook Drug Task Force To Begin Monitoring All Messages October 1st" on Monday, Generation "High" (as in on drugs) was understandably shaken.
If you do any type of drug I urge you to look at this yo! http://t.co/VavXx1DAMo
— Fabian Burse (@FabianBurse) August 19, 2014
How in the fuck am I going to buy drugs from Facebook now? http://t.co/CuqJlohSl3
— Apollo_ (@GodofSloths) August 19, 2014
According to the report, next month Facebook will begin implementing a task force "designed to arrest those who buy and sell narcotics" monitoring "all postings and messages created by its users."
Within 24 hours, over 100,000 people had shared the shocking news, Facebook page Hemp Vision TV going so far as to issue a rare, oxymoronic "STONER ALERT."
Fortunately for the Internet's atypically alert stoners, the story is completely bogus. Speaking to Gawker via email, a Facebook spokesperson called the article "spectacularly false," pointing out the Facebook hotline number listed in the report connects to the Westboro Baptist Church.
Of course, just because the story is fake, that doesn't make talking about drugs on Facebook or any other public website a good idea. So sorry, teens, it's probably time to retire the #weedforsale hashtag.